what do i want? this is what i want.

I am searching for someone to chase after me.

To be pathetically in love with me.

Someone to want me to a point where they bleed despair.

Someone to let me hurt them,

Just to prove how crazy they are for me.

Someone to be dedicated,and devoted.

So committed,that it almost hurts to feel their arms around me.

Someone to be my masochist,

to let me guide them into bittersweet darkness.

Someone to crawl on their knees in front of me,

and let me slay them for the sake of our endless existance.

Someone to be my muse.

Someone to kill my boredom

Someone who thinks of me too much

Someone who phones me to a point where its suffocating.

Someone whos sorrow makes me smile.

Someone who looks beautiful when they cry.

Someone to cry on me.

Someone to crawl on top of me,pinning my wrists above my head and begging me to let them in,

refusing to let me get up,i want their tears to trickle down their face,dripping off their chin and falling onto my neck,sliding down my chest.

I want someone to whisper how much they love me,while i turn my head the other way and blankly stare at the wall,instead.

I want someone to persist nonstop,until they mentally rot.

I want to refuse their kiss,I want to squirm,hiding my lips.

I dont want to push them away,for i want to pull myself away,instead.

I want to be so cruel that its attractive.

Sickly attracting them

Devious,heartless.

I want someone to tell me i look pretty,when im hollow.

I want someone to tell me how i emotionally break them.

I want to ignore and feel neglected.

I want to be someones everything.

I want someone to need me.

I want someone to erase everything they once knew,and i want to be everything they now know.

I want someone to know there is no God.

That they cant be saved.

I can be their God.They can worship me.

I want to be what someone desires.

I want to be what someone would kill to touch.

I want to dignify someones once dignified and positive beliefs to something that selfishly revolves around me.

I want someone to ache,like i've ached.

I want someone to feel like i've felt.

I want someone to cry,like i have cried for someone else.

I want to hurt someone,just to see past glimpses of myself..

I want to break someone,just to mend them.

Just to heal them,

just to kiss them.

Just to love them,after a long period of agony.

Just to hold them,like the person i loved never held me.

I want to be the only one that can make it better.

Baby,i'll make it better. Just trust in me.

Be my game. Lets play.

Dearest grim;

Youre such a ghastly creature,but yet I succumb to mesmerize .
Your beedy little hollow eyes
eyes of black,and eyes of an end
Your face is of nothing,for your shape is an endless change
You transition to whatever I desire,
something new and different every day.
but no matter the color your breathtaking eyes,
or your gorgeous cheekbone height,
your touch is still of frostbit ice.
and your scent of musky death
...hmm... with.. ..peppermint,I assume?

wait..what the fuck..

why am I thinking of this?
go away.I dont care of how you smell.
Dont lay your hand there.
no,stop!
dont try to undress me..
you cant take this off..

wait,its ok..theres still time.I can escape.I dry my swollen eyes.
I wont let you endure me,and take me in..

I can stop you..I know i can.I can vanish you,into thin air.. you will be no more. you will exist,none.
My fingertips can slip into your skin,i can wave inside your stomach,
I can break apart the air particles and fragments of your ribcage,
watch as they all come apart and separate
like tiny specks of floating dust
youre not so strong,now are you,baby?

transparent,you are made of glowing air,cold breath and sweet yet frigid words. LIES, I SAY!

you have no flesh
you have no bones
I thought you said you could take me somewhere?
how is that,if we cant even hold hands?
youve not a heart,youve not even a soul.

I can kill you,here and now.I can slay you with my repression...with my silence,and my non expression.

now let me stay,and let me be.
I am now of this pain,because of you.

I have the will,do I have the power?
Or maybe I have the power..but the will is absent.
or perhaps its taking a shower or reading an intriguing book somewhere..


wake me the fuck up.
i'm gone,i'm lost.
i'm numb,I cant feel anyone or anything

I dont know i dont know anymore
i dont know anything
i'm just falling
and sleeping
and getting off
and thinking
and not even enjoying myself

and not even crying..

i cant even shed a tear.

the only thoughts that stir within
are of the once inebriated one who chose to shed of silent romance.

you have no fucking idea.

but

i hope you sleep well.

who do I have?
what do I have?

what is here?who is there?
who are you? who am I?

What am I doing here...alive?
come back to me. i'm waiting.

I dont even know of what to wait for,anymore.




i feed dead and left out here to decompose.

what the fuck?Why?

emotional realization.

I woke up today,and everything just hit me hard in the face. I've been awake for less than ten minutes,and its already out of control. "im getting older" I thought,as I was laying in bed.. and I dont want to have black hair anymore..I tilted my head as I stared within the mirror..So i'll buy a wig,and i'll commit suicide before my next birthday. No, I cant..I'm not sure of what to do. I'm just scared to death of growing up.

People nowadays,I supose you could say are limited to this 'box' that prevents them from seeing and missing out on so fucking much. I'm not making assumptions and I'm certainly not living the high life myself,but I've come to recognize a lot of lifes features,and in time,begun to depend on this. I'm not meaning for every single person to live by the wild side and fuck the rules,for I'm merely encouraging you to explore every single door that becomes vacant. I think if we all had seriously open minds in everything we came across,we might appreciate the point of life and even understand ourselves more.


My opinion is that we aren't,or never have been misguided by the open ness of our minds,but lead astry by the narrow ment of it all. We aren't normal for sticking to something for the rest of our lives and we aren't deranged for expressing what others are too afraid to show.


Lets look at this from another angle..

Who the fuck wants to be tied down in a life thats here for experience? Me? Err,no thanks I'd rather eat shit..I can guarentee some of you are sitting back and opposing the points I've stated, thinking "I totally disagree" and there will be a hefty majority of you who have basically lived the life of a recluse,not physically but mentally, looking at your life as if its an iron cage,chained with metal you don't have a hope in hell of escaping whatsoever. Others though,might become aware of the fact that a box can quite easily be opened. Your not in some virtual fucking prison.People seem scared..just so fucking afraid of discovering more of life,which results in them looking back when they're older and thinking fuck,there was so much more to life that i didn't even uncover.didn't experience.taste,smell.devour.

rant on self thoughts and the mess in my head.fuck i'm redoing my life.

I've been Learning so much about life,lately. Who would of known there lies a lesson in gazing out a car window,staring upon the traffic ahead. Its everywhere,all around us. These whisperings,of truth and knowledge. If only we paid more attention. Its like the world is talking to us,but most of us are deaf. Maybe If we took in all of these speakings,and hid them away in a treasure chest,and left it alone..over a few years,we could open it back up and finally find we have seeked the true meaning of life.The meaning of everything. When I say the true meaning of life,I dont mean the general,overall,complete reason We are breathing. I mean.. The reason you cried last week. The reason your boyfriend cheated on you. The reason you and your friend laughed so hard that you almost puked. The reason you chose cheetos over doritos. haha. Ok,I know those examples are all horrible,but hopefully at least some of you will understand a bit of where I'm comming from.

Some thoughts are meant to be kept to ourselves. I know this. Its not a shock. Theres so much,just swimming inside of me. but way too personal for this internet to know of. If I unleashed it,I imagine my computer monitor and modem immediately blowing up into tiny bits.The sad,pathetic,pitiful,whatever you want to call it,fact.. Is that I Want to share it with someone. I do. I Do. A girl,or a boy. I dont care. A friend,or a lover.I dont care. I dont want completion. I dont want security. I just want some sort of connection .Some truth.Some beauty. some bliss.I feel like everyone is just shallow and brainless lately. I Dont know. this isnt me being judgmental,This is just me being lonely,and desperate.ha. I'm searching for some sort of "to die for" friendship,but I'm not finding anything. So of course i'm going to get a bit agressive,after countless times of disapointment. I feel like everyone is emotionless,and even if they say they understand..they just..dont..understand. and I 'm scared.because I want someone to understand. 

The best example,would be..When you watch a movie,you know how "deep" it feels? You know how much it touches you? You know how you fall into its story? you can feel it.It makes you want to laugh,or cry. It makes you afraid,or aroused. It has such an impact and effect on you,yes? Why?well one, I guess Its because of its exposed humanity.Humans are very emotional. Very "needy".We are very dramatic,and we feel alot.Then again,i Dont know about YOU,but If i was watching a movie with a dog,and he got slaughtered,I probably would cry ha ha. Which has nothing to do with the death or dramatization of humanity,thus,humanity is a defeated purpose/iirrelevant subject here.Then you think of music.Amazing,breathtaking,captiviating. RELATABLE.Music can make you laugh or cry. Music can make you feel scared. Music can make you feel alone,or alive. It has such an impact and effect on you.When you listen to music..You lose yourself in it. Everything about it. You lose yourself in the melody. The sound. You lose yourself in the voice that is singing. You lose yourself in the lyrics,the words that are being sung. You even lose yourself in the visual image of the singer,singing. The clothes they are wearing. The landscape they stand upon. The emotion in their face..everything.

We lose ourselves in this. But "this" is..simply..emotion.A sensation.Its so emotional. Its so needy. its so dramatic,with so much feeling.We consider other peoples music to be magic,but the word "magic" should be replaced with "emotion" or "sensation."Sometimes certain songs are so sad and depressing,that its addictive and ATTRACTIVE. I could probably name a million artists/songs right now that sing about sad things,and it just makes me want to make out with them because of it.ha.because they sing about emotions.. fragility. sensitivity. humanity.When guys sing about how sad they are because of how their "girlfriends" left them,or cheated on them.. It makes me want to kiss them. because They seem very compassionate,and caring.When girls sing about how empty they are because of how cruel the world seems,it makes me want to lay in bed with them. because they seem very lost,yet so human.And when I talk about kissing or laying with these people,its not sexual. Sex doesnt come to mind. compassion,and adoration does.I truely believe you could kiss another human being on the lips without if being sexual.without feeling any sexual attraction for them,or any desire to "fuck" them.I get this way,so excited and intense because of the "sad songs,"not because of my own selfishness to see others suffer. but it is what it is.Take it how you want to take it.Percieve this,in the way which you want to percieve.My point is.from movies-to music.expression.beauty.art.passion.creation.what do these all wreak?drama.emotion.even if the songs arent sad or fucking about killing yourselves,or feeling empty..theres still..emotions.we're all made up of emotions,feelings,thoughts,reactions.but lately,all the people in the world..seem to feel the oposite of those compassionate men singing or those empty,broken girls singing.The people ive talked to lately,the ones i'm around,they feel ..I dont know.non human,in a way. I dont know where i'm going with this.theres just no spark.no compassion. do they even give a fuck about me?do they want to give a fuck about me? in movies,you always see a man chasing after some girl. Who wants to chase after me ? no one. I feel off to the side, hiding in some cave. ha. or maybe i'm not hiding,maybe i'm just napping. maybe i'm just tired of everything.

This isnt about a man/woman. Its about human connection. I feel disconnected,and far away from everyone. I feel like i'm the only one who gives a fuck and wants to love. I know this isnt true,and others feel this way as well,but I'm just being honest. deep down,i know otherwise.but inside.. I feel this way.despite if its "Accurate logic" or not.thats what I fucking love about emotions.oh god.the fact that they sometimes seem irrational and UN LOGICAL!thats what makes them so beautiful.like a pyschodellic rollercoaster,an explosion.so crazy. so out there.so full blown.so unpredictable.so personal.so "asigned specifically,and individually,differently,and significantly to each and every one person"we all have our different,little emotions.even if i'm sad.and someone else says they are sad as well.we will NEVER feel the same saddness.even if we are both crying because of the same reason!thats what makes emotions so amazingeven when you tell someone you "understand" you ..really,cant.you cant really ever experience or endure the war raging on within someone else.you can RELATE to an EXTENT,and you can even assume,using LOGIC..but you could never really fully comprehend the emotion,in other human emotions or human emotion,in general. :)its what makes it so risky,so scary,so intense. so deep. so EXTREME.I guess another reason why people can "understand" human behavior so easily,is not because they have a special way with diagnosing others feelings,or because they are gifted at psychology,but because.. humans.. give off scent.we basically give out the answers to others,without knowing it.without THEM even knowing it!we give it away.we expose flickered pictures,personal images,and internal movment. meaning. every now and then,we express certain things.we just come clean.even when we dont know we are.we are so complex,and complicated. but sometimes even the most repressed,stubborn,ignorant,difficult,nonexpressive,-"I dont ever show my feelings"- type of person,will show their feelings. not intentionally.not NON intentionally.it just happens..whether it be through a spoken word,a non spoken word,or a physical movement,or non physical movement.We can see glimpses of them.we can see through their soul,when people..express to us.THATS how we start to tell them.. "oh i understand".and we start to tell them "i know how you feel,you dont have to say anything.i know what youre thinking,without you having to say your thoughts outloud" and then we start to take the credit. thinking.. "oh i am just so fucking connected with this person,i must have a way with mind reading,or maybe i just really am deeply in love with them,to a point where I know them SOO Well that i know their everythought and intention".nope.its not that.its because of THEIR expression,that WE caught at the corner of our eyes.ITs almost like we all have been watching eachother.researching eachother,analyzing eachother.like we are all eachothers science projects.we take down notes of their every behavior,like scientists.Emotions may not be full of ethical thoughts,moral actions,or logical ambition.but..thats what makes them amazing.People are hypocritical.if emotions have no logic,nor does the fact that youre attracted to someone underage.or nor is the fact that you think about having sex,while you sit at mass in church.nor is the fact that you drink,and do drugs.nor is the fact that you ran that red light.these things seem unethical,to our society.or at least to mine.but you dont see any of us having a fit because of it.so whats so wrong about the chaos of human emotions?emotions arent meant for us to bury,neglect,and forget about.they are here for us to endure,and feel.to take on.like little adventures,in our heads.we are all asigned to a dangerous,life threatening mission of feeling an emotion of sorrow or happiness.will you choose to take this mission,or will you run from it?emotions arent meant for us to mock,or take for granted.emotions are not meant to shun,turn our backs on them,or make fun of.our emotions and the emotions of others,arent meant to for us to ASSUME or guess.sometimes i feel like the emotions of others arent even meant for us to figure out.because their emotions,are their own beautiful possession and they are millions of tiny wrapped precious gifts for them. if we try to deciper and disect the mind of others (which we can try and try until we are blue in the face and the lions lay down with the lambs,but we will NEVER get" far",because we wont ever fully know of eachother,because cant ever even fully understand ourselves.so many layers of the human brain,we wouldnt ever be able to get to its root or complete meaning or another person,by just looking at them,externally.by just staring into their eyes and guessing of whats going on,on the inside. no.yet we wont even understand what goes on ,on the inside,if we lay them on a table and cut open their heads!)my emotions are mine.her emotions are hers.his emotions are his.by trying to figure some one out,label them,judge them,or TELL THEM WHO THEY ARE and TELL THEM HOW THEY FEEL,we are almost stealing their little tiny wrapped presents and falsely giving them logic,the logic WE came up with.the misunderstanding.the lies.go on and tell me i'm overreacting.tell me its "not like that"or thats not your intention.but deep down,underneath the layers of your explaination.thats how it is.thats how it seems. i just express it through certain words.but no matter what metaphor you use,its still the same situation.I love emotions.abstract colors,neon fluff. squiggles,bright yellow oozing,purple ambiant dividers,warping patterns,checkers,rainbow,black,gray.nothing.a blank white screen.emotions.so unpredictable.i want to connect with someone full of them.but why does everyone seem so numb,lately?

Little red.

Such beautiful illusions drown with hours of sorrow "don't throw it away." I've been told I'm a talented artist,Lost in The thought of tomorrow Undo this tragic lace,The hand of romance chokes me pulling at me,slithering up my throat like a snake i melt with the poison of heartache,it burns when i breathe such precious images,I like to think one day you'll follow "Such a pretty face,gone to waste" I've been told that I'm gifted..as I'm sickened by the idea of a tomorrow Another tattered doll,with stolen grace as within suicide,she disintegrates one more angelic touch, lost her innocence through love "Oh no,don't throw it all away." Lets fill our world of fantasy Theres so many pretty sights.. Different Images, float with diversity.. Beautiful things,Soak Up variety These Dreamt Moments in my mind,Take my breath away.. we can stare up at Willow trees, In Mild Winds,they like to sway As if they dance in each warm breeze as the season suffocates this floor with autumn Leaves I want to stare into your eyes of blue Grown fond,Fall infatuated.. I lose myself within you. Ok,your turn. Brick walls,and Gardens of roses Climb this one,and seek what's beyond it Take my hand,and we'll run together or chase me ahead,and catch me,for yours forever we can glide upon the Grass,Mellow at our feet Running,will I fast.. Hair bouncing with quick pace Now Here lies the cinnamon colored wheat maze it comes up to my chest..does it come up to your legs? Does your skin too,tatter? Your bare arms vigorously brushing against each single spice tinted stick.. as you scratch with every soft strand of erect wheat.. If it hurts you,I'll kiss it gone.. No one,and nothing hurts my baby. I'll blow into the wound, No,I don't have a bottle of salt behind my back just my soft lips,I'll fix you.. I promise.You can love me, I'm one so trustworthy, and trust is what you lack. Running,I'm running.. My lace dress once was white Now its gray and filthy sometimes i run so fast,that i trip every now and then but i get up,once i remember how you whispered you loved me Sooner or later,I'll gain My fast Pace.. I'm alot stronger than you think. Quick,don't lose me faster,you'll lose me! must keep me in your focus, don't blur,or lose yourself in distraction If i tumble,I'm to blame but its another thing.. if you knock me down, or push into me.. then don't expect me to let it go don't expect to get away ,fault-free. I may be small, but i know how to crush you.. with beautiful words.. I will hurt you.. with sweet words.. I'll say i love you.. I may not be as strong as you, but I know what I'm to do whenever you're above me.. Whenever your mouth foams hungry and I'm one,you're about to eat.. " I love you". Then you back away shh,We can run past ponds,and running banks Water full of elegant swans; Over sticks,and stones we'll leap..can you catch me? Watch this field,of evergreen Morning dew on grass,soaks clean Don't trip!Can you weigh out Me and your pain,equally? Can you stay in love,as well as battling all you don't obtain? Running,I'm running.. with a shredded dress, and bruised,blackened knees those rose thorns snagged my flesh and my elbows,soil colored due to the touch of rugged leaves Ive been kissed, by the sadistic wheat Vindictive little grains Fast,don't lose me.. hurry! Quicker,Don't Lack speed.. Must keep your priority don't confuse,complicate,or fade.. I don't want to disappear around the corner of a viney way losing my way, see my blood upon each strand,stained wheat. Then I know you'll lay there,wondering ever more.. what happened to me? I know what happened to me. You happened to me. Ahead of us,Is the tended forest I'll beat you there,i know i will you think you'll win with those clever words But i heard your success will prevent with guilt Little red,Little red.. and you can be My wolf I don't want a Puppy,tied with a bow.. I want a wolf Youre good at your occupation.. What you do for a living,suits you killing me.. Day by day do you enjoy murdering me? Its ok,i forgive you each night,I'll let you take a bite out of me I don't care if i bleed for you can stitch each wound,as you whisper you love me Do I taste good to you? this is what true love,tastes like.. virgin blood,and vicious..glistening teeth. they said not to throw it away said they'll be others to mend my sorrow I knew a someone once,I say Held onto you,hoping one day you would follow.. but with your ever Silent footsteps, I grew sick of the thought of tomorrow.. I'm scared once it gets quiet, All that i can hear is the blasting,ear piercing silence and the slight wind whispering into my ears the warm sun shining down on my neck,and shoulders it colors me with life,and a glow,faintly orange i can feel my hair float with the motion of the wind, i can see the wheat softly fondle my skin.. i look behind me.. i cant see you.. have I lost you?I'm alone..and afraid.. turn around to wait for you.. Looking for you anticipating your beautiful sight.. you have never looked so pretty.. in my mind.. I wish to feel you.. I close my eyes I still wanted to run.. I wanted you to catch me.

Day 1 of a new start

I spoke to god today. I could feel jesus near me.

Like a battered addict, I cried on my knees..
crawling..and begging.. I'm some sort of junkie.

All my life,i've searched for the answer. All my life,ive screamed for someone to help me. Tried to find the pleasure,The savior,the answer within love.. Within The one I love... Within The Mother earth.. Within music.. Within strangers. You name it,I've tried it.

Never have I really ever turned to jesus. Never have I tried to find the answer within him.

I told him to love me,and I tried to submit as I would to a person biting my neck , being ontop of
me.. 

I told god this,instead. This time.

Sick of speaking to something that can speak back..

well,can this speak back?can he? I feel like he did. Maybe im dellusional.
but I felt something beyond me. If i could explain,i would say a huge big fat invisiable blob of force in the corner of my bedroom as I choked on my own mascara and self pity.


I was so warn down and torn apart
my heroin was my own fingers, my stubbornness,my hollow stomach.
My addiction was my instability, my morphed perception.
My emptiness...its got me..

The agony Ive felt,I cannot explain..cannot put into words.

My hatred for humanity.. one of the reasons its so strong and raw,
because all ppeople ever do is compare..is measure. Mock and manipulate. They want reasons,definitions,approximations, exact answers.

They want math and science,

I want spatial sensation.

They want notes and chemistry,substance stained goggles and Bubbling experiments.
Gloves and medication precriptions.

All I want is, happiness. Purity. Harmony. Abstract outlooks and blind judgment.
No definition. No man made theory.Instead,self theory unspoken. Unshared.Just think to yourself..no need to preach or contribute by science. Just love and think to yourself.

Wild,free fields of wheat and grain
flowers,trees,lakes
animals and meadows of green
love making
sun shining
no cars
no taxes
no work
no internet
no television
no britney spears
no booze
no burger king
no worry.

just live,

live the way you wish to live,in the moment you wish to die.

does that make sense?

it does to me.

think about it.

when youve been sucicidal.

how did you WANT to live?

at the moment,life is something you dispise.Disgusts you.Youre screaming and begging in so many ways,for so many reasons,for so many things.

but if you were to live,how would you live?

would you run to the shop and buy 25 boxes of icecream?
would you quit your time consuming job and travel the world?
would you patch up past tattered relationships,and become closer to god?
Would you prioritize your possessions?
Would you move to a cabin somewhere far in the woods?
or a mellow place somewhere on the oceanside..

live the way you wish to live,in the moment you wish to die.

right?thats the only way to live,really.

When I tell people this...when i explain to them my outlook on life,how i want to live..they look at me like i'm dreaming. like im crazy. like i'm selfish,stubborn and out of my head. Like i'm full of angst and rebellion. like i'm angry. like i'm rebellious. Like i'm non realistic. Like im surreal. Like i'm..infinite. like i'm a disrespecting sheep in the cloned herd of humanity .like i'm being bad and making sin for straying from everyone else who sits there everyday,allday,sipping from the same pond,eating the same grain. Like i'm evil for shaving my coat and changing myself for the better. Like im terrible for following my heart . My god given instinct.

to me,this is natural. My dreams.My goals. My outlook on life.

Today,I go humble.
Today, I strive for something better.
Today, the first day,I will try to kill the addiction.

Today,I will try to slay my obsession.

do you know how strong i am?

Don't really think you know the meaning of self control.

Do you know how difficult it is?




I would fall in love with someone like me,
not because I like me.
But because I know what its like to feel unloved,
and I know what it is to not love someone like me.

I would caress her,
I would share with her
I wouldn't dissemble her
I would preserve her innocence.

I wouldn't try to change her
But I wouldn't let her die

I'd share this feeling...

because I have self control.

You can't understand me.

You cant understand,because its humanly impossible to categorize me.
Even the tightest stereotype,falls lose around my neck
And i'm smiling,because no matter how hard you try,it will never stick long.

I cant even label myself,they havent made one that "fitting" yet..

Labels make things easier.
Labels sickly clarify the dysfunctional, atmosphere

helps us understand the reality,the nature..


Science,numbers,rules,and long division..

all such labels, to make things simple.

To give it a name.

to be able to slam it down in a text book,
to be able to close the cover or flip the page.

to have all the entire reason of its existence,all the infinite answers in the desperate grip of your shaking hands,
as you wait in the checkout line at the local library..

how beautiful is that?

to be able to understand?

Oh but,you cant understand me that way. You never will.


i'm alone.


No one will listen,they say they do,they say they want to.. but they lie. and It feels good at the time as I lose blood from their knives in my frail spine

Its just a game,you know?

Its a pity thing. Its a fooling thing.

They do love me,they probably do..but not enough.

And i'm alone..

theres no one to tell

no support,no shoulder to lean on

no chest to cry into


people just look at me like im mad


I am mad,but im sane at the same time.


and.. your brain cant focus on the median of sanity and insanity.


I'm not like those girls who all huddle up in the bathroom,passing down the toothbrush from under neath the stall,


one gag at a time,and the emptiness is gone.

one flush away, One wipe of the mouth.one lip gloss application. One pull down on the skirt.

Out of the door,and gone away,


I dont need anyone.

I dont really need friends, i tell myself.

I stay alone,in the corner..by myself.

I'm not like those kids who wear sullen on their face..

ive been told i'm very diverse and versatile,

sometimes.. I look okay. Sometimes,I'm quite delightful.At least my mouth reads that way.

cant say my eyes,but my lips are good at fooling.



I'm not like that hollow girl,20 lbs,6 foot tall,designer mini gown backstage,alone..
a cigarette in her hand, a dead on,blank stare.. into the absent space of I dont know what.

no thats not me.

i dont need to smoke my pain away.

im all alone.

no cigarette..

I'm just me.

just maybe.

Just maybe..

like a used handkerchief
tired and ragged
maybe,just maybe
i'll throw her away
if she wont throw me away

ive become a patient
of my own asylum
classy,and Victorian
yet still cold and worn out
we all bleed the same

maybe,just maybe
ive tired from
the rings under my eyes
the blisters on my lips
dizzy head,a sore brain
bleeding thoughts and aching heart

maybe,just maybe
ive tired from
a torn stomach and throbbing limbs
restless hours
ticking, ticking

the smell so wretched,
something dripping from my lips
after "healing"like they say I've attempted
but why does feeding feel so bad?

maybe,just maybe.

beauty is poison.

Dont tell me its wrong to be beautiful
dont tell me its wrong to be soft
dont force me to compromise,or subside my roaring tide

dont punish me for being in the middle
dont say I am all things promiscuous,and vile
dont despise me for capturing others eyes

its ok to have soft skin
its ok to have deep eyes
its ok to have full lips
its ok to have hair, long
its ok to have a dancing figure

dont try to change me

dont try to put out my burning flame
youre not water,
you never were.

why cant I touch
without having to touch
why cant i look
without having to love


I am not trash, I am elegance


Why cant I just be?
Why cant I just remain
?
without a storm having to raise
and a million of moving lips,speak of rumors and hate



dont label me for the stockings on my legs
accept me,for who i am.


its ok to be sensual,
it doesnt mean I crave anothers lips
its ok to be sensual,
it doesnt mean i belong to anyone else besides you.


dont resent me,for being a girl.